Resolution Reject

It's a new year. I get caught somewhere between elated and absolutely horrified when people ask me what my resolution(s) is(are). The promise of self improvement that resolutions afford is alluring. Everyone surely has something they can tweak. Is that not why we are here; to do a little better for ourselves and for our world? But what to resolve?

The week of Christmas I had two unpleasant conversations with women I previously looked to for guidance and support. In a place I had felt safe, I was stripped of that security and felt something like inadequacy and/or shame. I kid you not, one told me I was a fart in the wind and lack a backbone. Yes, "fart in the wind" is a direct quote. What must I smell like, I thought. After I reemerged from the rubble of my mind, I dusted my shoulders off, grabbed my lady pants and decided to make a change for better or worse. I welcomed the concrete ending of the year and approached resolution making with the same perfectionism that while well intentioned has been a detriment in my past and continues to challenge my serenity today. At first it was euphoric. I thought really deeply about what has been working and what hasn't. I made lists. I sought resources and found outlets for the best resolution themes. I identified 20 goals if not more. My goals had goals. Media and industry flooded me at every touch point. And I picked on every part of me in response to these conflicting stimuli.

Get a partner.   Dump your partner.    Leave your job.    Find a friend.     Sign up for that cleanse.     Did someone say online dating? Kabbalah.    Try crossfit.    Travel. Meditate !!!    Give up bread. Um yeah, no. 

My theme for the upcoming year is "nourish and flourish." What is yours? But don't be afraid if you do not yet have one. Even resolution rejects find their way. 

I was going to learn every skill I ever endeavored to learn and scrapbook all the keepsakes I have saved since as long as I can remember. I would make it to church each Sunday, on time,  ten pounds lighter. Bye bye student loans. Hell, I would meal prep.

Then I started to get anxious, afraid even. Afraid I could not even get a resolution right. What if I was a resolution reject? Ruminating set in as it always does. Gosh I need this in my life but where to start and will I ever have time to commit to this formidable goal?  I scoured the internet for options.

PSA: Never scour the internet for options.   

• Personal budgeting software. 
• Gym membership.
• Time management tools.
• Weight watchers, of course.  
• Thirty day guide to happy, healthy, nasty, wonderful, wicked, everything YOU.

The self help groups have brought their "A" games I thought.  I need to read all of these books. All of them. The e-course on courage. The Zumba trial. Oh the cleanses. The entities I will call the resolution committee churned out paragraph after paragraph of ways to be our best selves. I felt defeated before I even began.

By the end of my brief, frantic journey to identify my resolution, I was tired. Am I really that in need of repair, I thought. Did nothing work last year that I should be compelled to do everything a different way? If I don't achieve these identified outcomes, then what? THEN WHAT?

The painful advice I received in a way was an invitation, an invitation to evolve, but in trying to do so I hit the gas and spun out, tire treads burned into the driveway. I dialed it back and identified some overarching themes. Wellness, mindfulness, and the fostering of creative opportunities. Realistically there is and always will be room for growth. That's part of the whole miracle of being human. Someone told me living life is like preparing a meal, a perfect analogy for this hungry overthinker. In her gentle, calm voice she said that some days you will cultivate the parts of the meal that warrant the most care. This pot or that pan may go on the back burner, to regain attention down the road. But the process is unending. The most critical element of this picture that she painted is just that: continuity.

You cannot force an awakening and my resolutions, if they can even be called that, will not change me overnight. A soft shove in the right direction will do for today. 

Diversability

A young lady with Down Syndrome named Kate would change the course of my life as a freshman at Georgetown. She smiled at me from across Healy Lawn and I found my home in Best Buddies and I found my solace in her, her infectious spirt, her inviting nature and supreme goodness. And if Kate showed me the way to my vocation and calling, Tiffany Yu continues to show me how to act on my sense of urgency to empower and include. 

I will be joining Tiffany's organization, Diversability, as a Community Manager and Digital Associate. In her own words, "my story begins almost 20 years ago when I was involved in a car accident that left me with a disability, but the real turning point was in 2009. I was participating in a conversation on diversity in my final year at Georgetown University, and noticed that disability was missing from that conversation. That's when I started Diversability, a movement dedicated to raising disability awareness and reshaping conceptions of ability..."

“People with disabilities are more than just ‘people with disabilities.’ We are entrepreneurs, executives, whatever we want to be. We are people with diverse abilities.”

— Tiffany Yu

While my responsibilities will span community management, collateral design and website management I look forward to getting immersed in this vibrant culture. No stranger to anxiety, I have Pure Obsessional OCD so the stigma surrounding mental health is a myth I fight to dispel. I aspire to become better acquainted with the topics within this diverse space that keep you showing up and persevering despite the barriers that may lie in your path.

This was a blooper that turned into something beautiful. I didn't adequately separate the cupcake liners so a few were doubled up, I gently pulled them apart and made flowers. Wasteful? Perhaps. Lovely? Indeed.

Thank you to my classmate, Tiffany, for conceiving of and growing this beautiful community and its critical discourse, and for this opportunity. And to my peers, thank you for your support as I get up to speed. I leave you with her words below. May they be as formative to you as they were to me. I also welcome you to join me, and speak up about your diverse abilities. Our voices are louder together. To contribute your perspective or to get involved yourself, please get in touch. 

What I learned in 2014

In what feels like an alarmingly fast fashion, 2014 came and went. It was a nourishing experience to recap lessons learned in 2013, so I gathered myself to compile this year's list. 

I learned that is it more important to be present, than happy. The human condition is comprised of a spectrum of emotions and tendencies, most of which have a functional purpose. Rather than crowding out negative feelings, I endeavored to grow from each experience.  

James taught me how to make broth from tortilla chips, a hearty sauce from leftover pot roast and potatoes, and broccoli rabe so enticing that I prefer it to mashed potatoes, and that is saying something.

I learned that Disney can make a successful film around two female protagonists, that "Bakers gonna bake, bake, bake, bake, bake, Nick Jonas grew up, and "It's all about that bass", thankfully. 

I was reminded almost daily that I crave the exact. There is comfort in certainty as expectations can be defined and managed. But I have learned that real courage and growth manifests in the unknown. The yearning for order will taunt until you learn to dance in the gray area. 

Speaking up for yourself is daunting but worthwhile. No one else knows exactly what to say or how to say it on your behalf, so open yourself to communication. Advocate for yourself and the world will often welcome your entreaty. 

You are successful in whatever faculty you choose to pour your heart into. No act is too small to leave an impression on someone. 

Urgency makes you creative and resourceful. 

I learned that when you expect perfection, brokenness will undo you. When you expect brokenness and vulnerability, everything will rise to greet you; all will be in the realm of ok.

I learned how whiskey is made, how to assemble dream catchers, and re-learned how to make drop-down menus in Excel which is incredibly useful in lots of applications. A new friend of mine taught me a breathing method to combat anxiety and also introduced me to the primary foods. They have nothing to do with food. 

That we can't live our lives afraid of something going wrong. We must be so engaged, infatuated even, with the life we made that not even hardship can deflate our joy. 

I learned that the above doesn't mean we should be arrogant. Humility is timeless. Competition is human, but kindness divine. And very little comes from comparing yourself to others. Self worth is like a pie with limitless slices; everyone gets a slice regardless of his or her station in life. 

Pulling an engagement ring out of a pair of cowboy boots, makeup-less, unfixed hair, with no one around, is just as special as something out of a storybook. 

On that note, storybooks are overrated and unrealistic. The good stuff lies in the trials and overcoming them. Embracing someone despite their flaws and having them embrace you in return. People come into your life exactly when you need them, and not one second before. 

And I learned my sister gives a mean speech, although I never doubted she would be poised in any situation with a microphone. 

The end of the year often carries with it an air of melancholy, the high of Christmas having worn off and the shorter days cloaking us in darkness. But I've learned every morning we can begin again. I've found solace in the morning light and am grateful for these pockets of stillness.

Happy New Year to you and yours! 

On Criticism

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” - Teddy Roosevelt (1910) via Brené Brown

Since joining the digital sector as a project manager, I have been doing my fair share of reading to get acquainted with the nuances of the industry, best practices, and opinions of the practitioners who so generously share their knowledge. At this moment, it escapes me how I found this writer in particular, but I am grateful I did.  Paul Jarvis is proficient in web design, sure, but I am especially fond of his weekly newsletter, the Sunday Dispatches. He has a knack for relating business and design concepts to practical life lessons, and I find his weekly reads enriching from both a professional and personal vantage point. I highly recommend subscribing.

 A few weeks back, Paul wrote about managing critics, or "trolls" as he called them and it struck a chord with me. As a sensitive person, I am especially, well, sensitive, to criticism. While others' comments aren't always relevant or constructive and I would be better off to disregard them entirely, they still register. I hear the words, I internalize them, search for any truth behind said words, and then hold on to them if they evoke enough negative feelings.

Unfortunately, as a fallible human being I have the ability/urge to be critical as well. As much as we hate criticism, we are all capable of doling it out, and sometimes do. Webster says to criticize is to indicate the faults of (someone or something) in a disapproving way. Criticism ranges from trivial comments about preferences in dress or music, to deeper value judgements about efforts, behaviors, choices, and beliefs. We can be critical without even realizing it, and I this may be due in part to our obsession as a culture with comparing and conforming, rather than celebrating what makes us special. 

The quote at the beginning of this post was shared by Paul, and I found great comfort in these words from our former President, as conveyed by one of the leading scholars in the fields of empathy and vulnerability research, Brené Brown. I would consider myself passionate, and full of life. I thrive off associating with others who are thirsty to explore, learn more, and live with their feet firmly planted in the beauty that this world, although broken, has to offer. Especially refreshing are people who acknowledge weaknesses, accept them, even become comfortable with this state of brokenness. Those that can encourage advancement and diligence but allow for the shortcomings that will undeniably arise on the quest to competence. "...who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly."

For anyone who has ever doubted themselves, been judged unfairly, or judged another person before considering the compassionate approach, you're surely not the only one. Personally, when I am critical of others or myself, it reveals an evident insecurity. I can only speak for myself, but I would go so far as to say it is beneficial to overcome the urge to criticize, when not constructive, as it serves neither the critic nor the judged. The great strength of humanity is that we have the free will to choose - actions that build up others or tear them down. It makes choosing love and understanding all the more celebratory, and as a people we can learn from each instance of said love. 

(PS- Well worth your time is Brené's TED Talk, below, on the "power of vulnerability". If there were a curriculum for life, this in my humble opinion would be essential content.)

A Letter to Myself

This past Sunday afternoon, I made Ricotta gnocchi entirely from scratch. I was standing alone in my kitchen for a few hours, carefully mixing, kneading, and shaping. Entranced by that methodical rhythm, I had ample time to reflect. I cook primarily because I am truly present in the process of making, second only to cooking because well, I love to eat.

My mind wandered to years past. I took an inventory of all that I have come to believe today, as a woman, but would have gladly known as a younger person. As I shaped each gnocco, I retreated further and further.

I tend to show love with food, because food tastes better than words, but consoles heart and soul just the same. Oftentimes I search for meaning through making and sharing food. So with floury hands and a mess of dough and cheese, I crafted a letter; here is what I remember of it, jumbled but sincere. 

I harvested some basil from the garden and stored it in a mason jar. The inspiration from the gnocchi came from Food52, and they were paired with a hearty bolognese. 

Dear Francesca,

One of the only concepts you will consistently have to concern yourself with regarding your actions and beliefs is "are they honorable". Forget the remaining periphery. You do not have to seek assurance, or confirmation that being as you are is ok. Every nuance is another thread in your beautiful and unique tapestry. 

Hold on to your aspirations and views but do not try to change others. Not everyone is the same and they shouldn't be. It takes all kinds of kinds. Focus instead on the joy that remains, and the commonalities between you and the next person. There are more than you think.

Has worrying changed your life at all? Has anything been different? No matter what you do and how you act, someone, somewhere will have a problem with you, and that's ok. Know your worth, but stay humble. You are no better nor worse than the next person. If you find yourself displeased, keep fighting to find what will bring you peace.

Let go of resentment and hostility as these emotions are tiring and harvest more stress and negativity. Re-evaluate your priorities and focus on what is actually important. When you are fifteen, life seems volatile but it gets better. A few eggs that crack become part of something bigger; it will make sense in years to come. 

Messes are lovely in their own way.

You're not perfect, but certainly not awful so lighten up on yourself. Know your audience, know your aggressor, and get to know yourself most importantly. Learn where you can thrive and where you should take a step back. This will take lots of practice, blunders, and awkward encounters. Remember to laugh in the process. Everyone wants to feel worthy. Everyone is striving to gain ground. 

Pause before leaping into hot water. 

Fatigue, discontent, anxiety, impatience, and sadness happen. Do not always attach a value judgment to them. They just are, and will pass like all things good and bad eventually do. Do not assume that fallibility is a weakness and the tendencies that make us most human are unacceptable. If you do so, you're holding yourself to impossible standards. Figments of our minds are the greatest rivals. 

Be content to experience things for yourself. The world is yours for the living. You are not exactly alike any other human being on this planet so why feel like you have to completely align with anyone’s sentiments. Not even the people you love. You can retreat into the depths of your mind every so often, but be sure to come up for air. Change the tune and go on.

Find the time to admire the fruits of your labor.

There is value in sharing experiences and communicating. More people feel like you than you would think; you're not alone. If you make a mistake, acknowledge it and move on. You are not entrusted with ensuring anyone else’s ultimate happiness. Only you can control your own happiness. Remember that when you are trying to please everyone else. 

Show the people who love you understanding and appreciation. They've walked in your shoes.

Today is another beginning, and the present is all we ever actually have. Everything else has already taken place or will in the future. Meet it when it comes, or think fondly on times past but do not neglect the present, it is fleeting. 

Lastly, make time for dinner with your family and friends. Coffee chats, games of monopoly into the wee hours of the morning, and summer nights with ice cream. They will affect you greatly and shape the woman you are to become.