Another year! Another year we lived in fear. When I was gathering my thoughts this past week to craft my annual reflection I felt resounding anger. Another week of stances shifting, of people we entrusted with our welfare changing their minds, and the common person dealing with the ramifications. Weeks upon weeks of frantic testing lines, shortages, anxiety, and sick friends. Another week of astounding hypocrisy by leadership as they took lavish vacations and the rest of us cowered in our homes. Weeks where we were left riddled with uncertainty and confusion as the goal posts continued to shift, the requirements evolved, and the children, and the vulnerable, and the elderly remained experimental specimens in a Petri dish. Another week of elites calling the shots from the safety of their cozy homes in protected communities while others performed the mental and physical gymnastics of determining how they would feed their families, keep their businesses open, and keep their mental health from deteriorating further. I’m angry at our proclivity to elevate individuals to the status of demigods to shortly after watch them fall from grace as their abuses come to light. I’m angry that they think we will forget.
Last year around this time, I felt societal pressure to never err, or say the wrong thing, and vowed to do whatever was required to be marked good in this war of identities that we are raging in this beloved country. This year I feel angry at my lunacy, and our willingness to be led like sheep by talking heads on the television toting platitudes that lose their meaning after their bearers continue to behave so poorly. Angry that here we are two years later being told there is no solution. Angry at the years of performative activism and grandstanding that has not helped a literal soul. Still angry I never got to say goodbye to my grandpa.
And then I paused as the anger raged. Anger doesn’t sit well in the body; it always hurts. I took a breath to focus on the ember inside that has yet to be stamped out and as I always do , found a way back to gratitude. I fixed my eyes on the beauty that remains. The beauty of a quaint Christmas spent alone at home with my husband and our menagerie of rescue cats. The technology of FaceTime to allow opening gifts in tandem with loved ones. The beauty of the promise of a child to remind a family of the miracle and innocence of new life. Gratitude for the decency of people in my community despite the grim perception being painted by the inept commentators of our time, and relief that the tv has an off switch. Grateful that grief is unexpressed love and that is why it never really runs out because love never dies. Grateful that after the rain, there comes a rainbow.
I learned I would be an aunt! And how to make a mobile for this beautiful blessing due in May. I learned a whole lot about adoption as well as I investigate my own path to motherhood. I also learned it is ok to feel profound joy for someone realizing their most sacred dream, and to still feel a tinge of longing that you might realize yours as well.
I explored so many new projects. I realized the culmination of publishing a cookbook with my sister friend Rossella Rago and was delighted to witness firsthand the photo shoot of said cookbook! What an experience it was. I established new connections in the community, found more reasons to smile with Sorriso Kitchen, and met joyful new spirits at my sanctuary, Ethan & the Bean. I leaned into the arts and was led to new understanding by mentors and friends.
I saw love stories come to an end as it was decided the abuse had gone on long enough, and witnessed other love reborn when it was not thought possible. I learned we are all working through loads of shit. It’s the human condition. Crying continues to be cathartic but so does laughing and dancing around to 80’s music alone in a coffee shop.
I relished the glory of reunions and revisited the sadness of separation. Realized I needed healthier boundaries with media that stifled my peace. I learned how to make jewelry, did lots of yoga, tested so many recipes, painted, and sipped! I hosted art shows, planned a bowling birthday blowout, and celebrated small businesses and talented makers with my stellar team. I shed some relationships while fortifying others, and found new souls to walk this world with. I realized I know next to nothing about alleviating the suffering of someone who is genuinely sad and genuinely afraid, and in the same breath realized that presence is the only support that people often require. You being there is the elixir that heals, not some magical solution they never asked for.
We said goodbye to some of our beloved furry friends and hello to new additions. Animals have been for me a source of such grace and solace always, but especially during volatile times. They teach us how to love unconditionally, to be present, and to express as much goodness as is maximally possible during sometimes only a short while on earth. May we all be better at what comes so naturally to animals. May 2022 too be better, and if it isn’t may courage prevail.
