I’m stuck somewhere between a girl and a woman.
I’m wavering between openness and being guarded, not quite sure how to be. To my good fortune, someone I value made the reason for my struggle terribly clear. It wasn’t a break your spirit declaration but a seemingly simple, simultaneously brilliant assessment that made my brain explode in a rush of light and clarity sort of way. “You are an adult. You still behave respectfully like a child.”
She thought she had offended me but little did she know a flood gate of relief opened in my soul. I urged her to continue. “You’re not a child but it’s difficult to adjust when you’ve always been respectful.”
When I was younger, more naive, I had a narrower view of the world. I remember thinking someone can’t possibly love their parents if they move away from them. And then I moved away. I realize now how silly a sweeping judgment that was and that we can’t speak for a circumstance until we live it. That’s just one of many universal truths I had adhered to. While deeply flawed, my naïveté did lend itself to a greater degree of certainty though. Maybe ignorant bliss. Or unfaltering trust. In my adulthood I’m constantly questioning.
I’m stuck somewhere between a girl and a woman.
I thought more about what my confidante told me, her genius the antidote to my anxiety and indecision. Here’s how. Everything we learned to do without question as children shifts in adulthood. The demands and pressures of our culture require the transformation. But if you miss the transition and neglect to reassess what you learned growing up, you’ll end up ill-equipped for real life, wondering how you got this adult thing quite so wrong.
As children, we are forthcoming with love. We indiscriminately dole out smiles and affection. We trust without inhibition. Somewhere down the line, this practice needs adjusting; I missed the memo. Why can’t we develop relationships so freely, and how do we course correct when we still long for that connection?
Be honest and transparent they said. Come adulthood, don’t reveal all your cards. Particularly hard when you are forthcoming with everything, cards included.
When a child laughs with glee and waves at a stranger, it’s cute. When I’m too joyful or kind, some will look at me with skepticism. They wonder if I’m disingenuous. Whose ass is she trying to kiss, they’ll wonder. It’s not that serious; I actually was just being nice.
Behave, they said. Behaved women rarely make history they now say.
Walk the line, they said. But now, you must go your own way. Chart your path. Break the rules.
Raise your hand before you speak, they said. Today, speak up or you will forever be a doormat. Don’t wait for permission to act.
You should respect authority, they said. Come working age, trust few if anyone or you’ll end up under a bus. God I hate that idiom but how true it tends to be.
Share your lunch! Give of yourself. But remember, you have got to worry about yourself first.
It’s ok to cry... Emotion is an indicator of something beneath the surface and must be tended to. Suck it up and conceal your feelings or people will prey on your vulnerability.
These are generalizations, I realize that, but there is an element of truth behind grand statements. It’s not irreparable, but surely uncomfortable if you missed the transition and are left with the obedience of a child in a world that demands the ferocity of a lioness let alone a human woman.
Im stuck somewhere between a girl and a woman.